This Pregnancy

This is my 2nd pregnancy, and God has really had me deal with some issues this time. Not sure why, except that as followers of Him, we sign up for the refining process, and every day is an opportunity for that.

I was really nasty, well still am, emotional wise this time. I have not enjoyed it. I don't always or ever know what to do with all the feelings that hit. It is very difficult to figure out when my reaction to something is hormonally enhanced. When I think "This hurts," would I normally be able to blow it off, or deal with it appropriately? And since peace, patience and kindness are things His disciples ought to have, how do I take control of how I am feeling whether or not I am emotionally sideswiped? Shouldn't matter. There is a way I should act.

So that is an issue I am still dealing with, and assume that I will always deal with to a point. But I am thankful for two things: One, that He has given me a desire to not be controlled by my feelings and to see that it isn't something I want; Two, that He has blessed me with a husband who is willing to help me when I can't figure out how to act and is willing to help me, patiently, learn this. HaShem, please give him Your strength.

The other issue is trust. I have seriously struggled with this from day one. At first, it was the health of the baby. So many women around me have lost their babies either right before we got pregnant, or during. I struggled so bad for a while there. The kind of struggle where Satan seems to have invaded every thought and you can't even bring yourself to pray. But God gave me the strength to ask for prayer, and 2 days before our ultrasound, His peace drove that ugly voice out. I am thankful that I knew He was in control and was at peace with that before seeing the ultrasound and the "proof" that brings.

I can't say I've been great in trusting my baby to Him. Just this morning I couldn't get her to move and was on the verge of really panicking. But a combination of a wonderful husband and having faced it a little at the beggining... oh and her moving, made it easier to come out of.

I am overdue. Since I am going for a VBAC, my Dr. has said since the beggining that she would only "allow" me 1 week past my due date. So I've been praying since the beggining that this little one would come before or on her due date. The closer it got, the more freaked out I got. One night, I finally said outloud that while I knew He was in control, what bothered me was that I wasn't trusting Him. I just wasn't. That wonderful husband just held me and said, "Then trust Him." Which normally would be fairly irritating, but this time that peace, that quiet feeling just invaded my thoughts and I felt like I might have the ability to hand over my fear to Him.

I've never felt that before. And as this morning shows, I'm still not there. But I did it in one moment, and that is a start. I have that knowledge to hang onto each time I start to doubt.

Oh, and while I am overdue, my Dr. is apparently going to give me till I am almost 2 weeks overdue. So at this moment, I can let go of the fear of how to handle what the medical field wants to do. I can simply wait for this baby. Now, I wouldn't mind her coming tonight... but I am truly thankful for that realease of pressure.

To the Awesome Creator of the Universe, who knit both this baby in my womb and my womb, I give my thanks. May the peace You have given me through these situations come to me more quickly each time doubt tries to steal my joy. Thank you for Your steadfast love, patience, and gift of my husband.