I am sitting in my bed. up too late, sobbing. I act so spoiled sometimes when I should act blessed.
My Favorite is still at work, and will be again tomorrow. So for all intents and purposes, I haven't seen him really since he left for work thursday morning, and won't unless he really gets Vetran's day off on Tuesday. And I dearly love being with him, not to mention needing him.
Then I read an article by a mom of 7 whose husband is in the Navy and is away. And I think, what a big whiny baby I am. A few days of 24/7 - a few hours here and there with a 2 year old and an infant and I feel like life is impossibly hard? Give me a break. Did I even try to spend time with God? Even on Shabbat? Not in a way that would satisfy me if I were God. Not as if we have a real relationship.
My prayer... well, lets just pray:
Oh Abba! Why do I stay so far away from you? Why do I cry and whine and have pitty parties? Why do I feel this heavyness over me that makes me feel like I am just out of reach of doing what you want me to with my day? Please give me a hunger for your word. Please grow my heart full of love for the role you have given me as Mama of these joys, the big joy and little joy. Please give me purposefullness with my time and my choices of activities. Prioritize my day, my to do list, make it what will matter to you every second and what will matter to my babies at the end of their life. How do I balance being a wife and being a mama and being your daughter and being a daughter and being an aunt and... Please be my strength and help me let you be that. I fear what that might mean, but I ask it anyway, because I know it is the only thing that matters. I praise you that you hear me, that you continue waiting for me to turn to you, that you continue leading me even when I don't spend time with you. You are the friend I always want and I thank you for that. May you be my biggest Joy.