Why do I struggle so much with emotions or wants that don't line up with what I know is right? I feel like I battle between feeling and knowing I shouldn't and wondering if I am enjoying throwing a pitty party. Neither are places I am proud to be in.
Most will say it is just pregnancy hormones. I know that plays a lot. Then there is just hormones of women, and I"m sure that is part too. But God made me with these hormones. So how am I supposed to manage them?!
I thought maybe if I wrote out my frustrations it would help me see how silly they are (which I know they are) and get over them. Worth a try.
I started the day finding that My Favorite had left before I woke up. And then I found myself sobbing in the kitchen. How rediculous! I am fully aware of how much I get to see him and how thoughtful he is and how little of both many other women have. Grow up!
Then my niece came as usual and was given food that Teeny Tiny wanted, but there wasn't any extra. Irritation. But life isn't fair, and really, she got over it faster then I did, and maybe she'll learn contentedness sooner then me. A door was left open and a cat got out, no apologies. So what, cat is fine.
Finally, and this is the worst really, my friend called to say she had her baby. So many emotions hit me at once I almost started crying right there on the phone. Yuck. I was so excited for her, she's been a bit anxious about this birth, and so read to be done with pregnancy and on to figuring out 2 kids. God answered every one of her prayers for this birth plus more and I've been praying for weeks. I was honored to be part of that, to see His work, and that she would call me so soon after having her.
And yet I find this voice or whatever at the back of all this trying to rob the joy of that. I would love to have such an experiance, a short labor at home with my husband and a midwife. I can't have that. Not the home part at least. I so desperatly want things to go my way that I am afraid to even ask because I feel so selfish. I know God has me in His hand, even more so this baby. I know He has this birth planned, and I've done everything I can to be prepared for it. But I'm scared. I'm scared I won't trust Him in the moment, scared to have this baby in the hospital, scared I'll have another section and struggle with this forever.
SO WHAT? Why can't I let it go? Why am i still sitting here with tears and snot running down my face? What part of me likes to feel miserable for no reason, because that is all I can figure is happening.
HaShem, forgive me. Forgive me for wanting things I can't have, for imagining that the things you may very well have planned aren't going to happen. Forgive me for being so uncontent that I'm focused on that and not on the amazing work you did in my friend and her baby. I honestly praise you for that. The labor was shorter then she asked for, the pregnancy was shorter then its due date, she had no complications, the baby was facing the right way, the baby is perfectly fine. I praise you. Please help me not let Satan or my flesh or whatever it is to rob that joy. Help me to not like being sad, if that is what is going on. Please help me know that you are in control, not the doctors or nurses I will be with when my baby comes.
And I am going to stand in my unconfident confidence and ask you for the desires of my heart. I pray though, that you will give me the strength to love however this turns out. I don't want to doubt you, I don't want to be angry, I don't want to want. I just want to be thankful.
Please Lord, bring this baby into our arms before or on her due date. I'm scared to deal with the Dr.'s ideas of what is good and right. I pray that I will rely on your strength, and the strength of My Favorite and my doula to get through this labor. I pray this labor will go quickly with no damage to my little one or my body. I'm scared of dying and leaving my family, and I know I should want to be with you more. I'm scared of a rupture even though I know how rare it would be to happen. I'm scared of scaring in ways that will effect my husband's and my personal relationship, and you know how much pain i've already caused there. But I want to trust you. Above all else, help me trust you in the moment, each step of the way. At the heart of it, the part of me that knows you, wants this all to go your way, not mine. Help my desires be in line with your plan. Thank you that I can come to you and most of me know you understand my crazy emotions and struggles. Thank you.
Oh, and please continue to give My Favorite the strength to deal with my emotions. He is the best gift you have ever given me outside of your own Son. I desire to honor him in everything as I do you.
In hashem yeshua hamesiach. amen.